My Blog

University Education   

An Extremely Unofficial View

This essay is a personal view and
although I may tried to be helpful, the advice may be incorrect or out of date
or misleading or may not apply in your particular case. Please read at your own
discretion.

May be because of my job as
lecturer, I always encounter questions like “Is this program offer by your
university reputable?”, “Is ABC University good?”, “Should I study locally or
should I study oversea?” and numerous others questions along this line. It has
come to a point that I feel obligated to write my opinion down and share it
with anyone who is about to ask the question listed above.

First of all, what you want to be is the
key to all these questions.

If you wanted to be an electrical
engineer, then what kind of electrical engineer you wanted to be? Every time I
ask this question, I can see my student started to give me a funny look, I
think they must be thinking, is there another kind? Yes, there are!

There are electrical
engineer/physicist who been awarded the Nobel Prize, (In fact two Nobel Prize
1956,1972 for John Bardeen who invented the transistor and his research in
superconductivity). There are electrical engineers who work for NASA designing
special circuitry for the Mars Rover Mission. Some works in university or high
technology company doing cutting edge research. Others work in various
departments in international company like INTEL. Numerous work with
small-medium industry mainly as sales engineer and there are also electrical
engineering graduates who hold job that are not relate to their field of study.

If you plan to receive a call
from Stockholm,
or perhaps work for NASA or doing cutting edge research that will
revolutionalize mankind civilization, then I think you should aim for
Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), Stanford, UC Berkeley and places
like that. There are many reasons why you should study there, provided you can
get there! MIT accepted 16 percent of applicants for the Class of 2008, with
1,664 out of a total of 10,464 applicants. (For those Ivy League inclined,
check out the admission statistics from http://www.ivysuccess.com/index.html.)
By the way only one Malaysian been offer admission to Harvard this year (2008),
his name is Lee Jia Hui from Kajang. Malaysian admitted to MIT and Harvard
undergraduate program is on average 1-3 person per year. Since most of us are
not that good, I don’t want to talk more on these top universities of the
world.

If you want to get a job as a
sales engineer, can a local degree suffice? Yes, of course. Your boss will not
expect you to invent some fancy new gadget, the only thing he need is your ability
to bring in money for the company. That will require more soft skill than your
engineering knowledge. Can you work in INTEL? Yes, if you are good. I mean you
probably need to have more solid background in engineering compare to an
electrical engineer who sells air compressor in a small company. Have a clear
idea of what you wanted to be is very helpful, it will help you focus on the
courses that are relevant for your future. If you need to work in the sales
line and have lousy English, then you should take courses to improve your
English and communication skill. If you plan to work in a company that produce
computer chips, then you better have good grade for your Integrated Circuit
Design course and so on. (If you don’t know what kind of job you want to do
after graduation, then better get good grades so that you have plenty of job
option when you graduated.)

Knowing what kind of electrical
engineer you wanted to be will also influence your choice of university in
terms of cost. If you are planning for a job that doesn’t care which university
you are from, then why pay for the higher charge? This is going to be a
contentious issue. Don’t get me wrong, if I was offer a place to Princeton which
cost US$47 000 a year (RM150 000a year) and if I was also offer a place form UM
which cost RM10 000 a year, furthermore my future job doesn’t depend on which
university I graduate from, I will still choose Princeton rather than UM. Then,
why I make the previous statement? Here is the inconvenient truth: All local
universities provide relatively low quality of education. They are all the
same, so to speak. Then why pay for higher tuition fees?

Let me give you an example, a
local private college offer a two year A-level course for RM 18 000 (3
subjects), while in KTAR, A-level courses cost about RM 6 000-9 000. Is
expensive universally mean better? For me, which program will I choose? The
answer is neither, I will choose to continue my form 6 and with my STPM
diploma, I can also go to university where the ‘poor’ chap who pay RM18 000  attended. How much my STPM diploma cost?
Virtually nothing. ( I got to admit thought, it is a litter bit different, when
I call to that local private college to enquire about the cost of study, I
manage to talk to the operator almost immediately and she pass me to the
program promotion center where I was treated with ‘dignity’, while I called
KTAR for cost enquiry, I was on hold for 10min while the machine keep telling
me “the department is busy at the moment, please hold on the line while I tried
again …”, that’s why I can’t be precise about the cost of study in KTAR. That
explain why I have to put down the cost in the range of RM6000-9000. I guess
they do have some differences after all.) 

So what kind of electrical
engineer you want to be? Are you aiming for the stars or you are more ‘down to
earth’?

Study local university or aboard?

If you can, study aboard. When I
say this, I am not thinking about Harvard, MIT, Princeton, Cambridge, Oxford
and so on, these are the top university that are too selective and also the
benefit of studying in these schools is pretty much self evident. When I ask
you to study aboard, I am talking about good school that you might not heard
of. There are plenty of them and some is still pretty selective and
competitive, for example, University of California Los Angeles, Purdue University, University of Michigan at Ann Arbor, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, University of Wisconsin at Madison and
so on. The quality of education you get there is comparably higher than all the
university in Malaysia.
Academic aside, the experience you gain studying oversea is also valuable. You
will learn to be independent and most important of all, you will become more
exposed, an important quality to have in the age of globalization.

There is a Chinese proverb that
says: things are more precious when it is less. That’s another reason why you
should study oversea. Try to imagine that you are the manager of a company,
when you received 10 applications for a job opening, all of them are fresh
graduate from UM, UTAR, USM, MMU, UPM, Pennsylvania State University, UM, … . Basic
human psychology, the Penn
State University
applicant is going to stand out. Not to mention the reputation of the local
university have already long spoil.

It is a well establish fact that
the local universities have bad reputation. The university reputation has been
spoil by their graduates which in turn is a clear testimony to how good their
lecturers are. I am not saying that having a degree from US is definitely a
sign of advantage; yes it might be an advantage in the first few minutes of the
interview, but you still have to live up to their expectation. Similarly a
local graduate might out perform a US graduate; sometimes this can be
done easily since the interviewer did not expect you to be so highly perform. This
brings me to my next point: you have to really make sure that you are good at
what you plan to do in the future.

Lastly, it all comes to you.

One day a student come and tell
me that he decided to change program, he don’t want to study engineering
anymore, instead he wanted to study actuarial science, because he planed to be a
charted financial analyst. Since I don’t know much about that profession, I
thought this is the time I learn about the profession from someone who is
interested. I ask the student to tell me more about it, and guess what? He
can’t explain a thing, somehow the student have no idea what the heck is that. 

When I google charted financial
analyst (CFA), I have about 467 000 entries, with the top entry from Wikipedia.
The article from Wikipedia has very comprehensive information about CFA from
its curriculum, examination to the history of the designation. I wonder why he
never checks it out when the information is so easily obtained.

You have to know what you are
planning to study, you choose the one that interest you, the one that fit your
personality, the one that fit you. Every school have counselor that can help
you on that (qualify or not, I do not guarantee), they have various ‘tools’
to match you with the study that best fit you. Don’t sign up for actuarial science
when you have no idea what is that about except the only information you get
from your parents that it will make you rich. You want to get rich, actuarial
science is a bad choice, I will get my first one million when you graduate
without a job 4 year latter, you know how I make my one million? I fried koay
tiao in Little Penang Café. Don’t even need a degree.

Do what you are interested in,
spent time to think about this question, it is one of the most important
questions in life second only to the question that whether you wanted to marry
that poor chap or not. When you finally decided to pursue a degree in
biomedical sciences, chemistry, mechanical engineering or what ever it is,
study hard, make sure you are one of the best in class. As mention before, when
someone interview you with the impression that you probably know nothing since
you come from a university that have a stink reputation, prove them wrong. Don’t
prove them right by saying “I don’t know the answer to your question, my
lecturer says this question not important, and he said it will not come up in
the final exam”.

Don’t complain that your lecturer
suck, he/she is too damage to be saved, a total sucker of taxpayer money or in the
private institution- Your MONEY, but you are still young and useful, don’t let
them damage you too. Don’t tell me you don’t know because you skip class. I
understand, some lecture is simply just a waste of time, what’s the point of
re-read the notes for me. I skip class too, but for one hour of class I skip, I
spent 3 hours of reading, trying to understand the lecture material. You skip
class but do nothing, of cause you fail, don’t blame your lecturer then. Read,
go to library, search online, ask your classmate, senior or who ever that you
think can help, don’t sit there and let them fail you. Never never let an
incompetence lecturer fail you, it is not fair because if he/she took the same
exam, they will most probably fail the exam too. Work harder, strive to
perfection, and with little divine intervention, you will break free from this
vicious cycle.  

All the best and good luck!

I attended my perennial MPO concert yesterday, Andreas Haefliger was in town and he gave us his interpretation of Beethoven’s 5^th Piano Concerto which I think was a little bit too soft. Anyway, I met my childhood friend, and his wife who was also my classmate and we chat for a while. What two peoples who seldom met since high school (which was a decade ago) chatting about? Well, the usual- who and who are getting married, who and who are expecting a baby and … Oh God! My high school ‘sweet heart’ is already a mother of two. That brief encounter, reminded me that I am almost 30! I don’t often feel that way because I am always surrounded by 17, 18 years old kids. No wonder for my mum, finding a girl friend for me is such an exigent problem. This arduous task however always makes her feel very enervating. Sorry for that mum, it won’t work because I kind of already become inured to the ‘hardship’.

When my friend ask me what I am doing lately, the Dorae-ong who was ‘renowned’ for his eloquence suddenly become speechless. Not that I have not done anything in these past few years, just that how can I explain myself that I still live like a student for all these years. I wake up at 4am, and study group theory and then go to school to ‘educate’ kids with alacrity, and continuing to read my Lebesgue’s integration theory at night???!!! So, my answer to his question was deliberately equivocal, and I manage to get away with that. That is why I don’t like to meet up with my old buddy from Jit Sin, and also partly explain why some of my old buddy actually thought that I was killed in some terrible accident 2 years ago, or I have abandon them because now I work for Her Majesty Secret Intelligence Service MI6 and become James Bond 007.

I have to admit that the first two paragraphs doesn’t really sound like the one I usually wrote, it look more like Christopher (the Discordant Dude) writing, I mean full of new vocabulary that ones need to look it up in the dictionary. Ha, that’s the side effect I get preparing for the GRE general test. Some will ask: ‘What is GRE?’ Ah ha! That’s the main theme in today blog but I will try to make this whole story a little convoluted, so that only those who are paying attention know exactly what I am talking about.

The story starts when Mr Lee from UTAR Kampar sent me a link of a lecture by Randy Pausch, a professor of Carnegie Mellon University who is dying of pancreatic cancer. It was his ‘Last Lecture’ given in CMU. I was so touched by watching the Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. (This lecture is a big hit and attracted the attention of international media, and he is now famous worldwide.)  My tear hit the floor when I watched his lecture and now I understand why Carnegie Mellon University is a great university.

Anyway, he is dying and he is recounting his childhood dream and crossed every one of them as he has already achieved it. I have my list too, and I have crossed out one of mine, namely teaching. Even though ever since I was a form 2 student, I have had a predilection for teaching, but I have done enough in UTAR, and is time for me to move on. Now, I am pursuing my second major childhood dream, it is no longer a nebulous idea, but an exigent plan set by test date and dateline. Hope that next autumn I will be in places like Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania or Massachusetts.

I was very upset this morning to know that almost all of my students attended my tutorial without doing their homework. I have been telling them the importance of trying out the math questions before class, as this is the one and only one way to understand the material taught in lecture. I failed, and I think I know why, I have been too nice to them; I should have chase them out of the classroom for not doing their homework. The sad thing is that TD1 is not the only tutorial group that dare to walk in my class without trying any tutorial questions, there are more! What is the problem here? The inability of student to plan their time is becoming more and more serious, they can’t complete their task on time and have done poorly in their study.

Benjamin Franklin(???) said and I quote “Tell me and I will forget, show me and I might remember, involve me and I will understand”. I always tell my students that ones learn math by getting yourself into it, and not just by paying attention in lecture. Simple analogy that I always used is piano lesson, after you watch your piano teacher plays Chopin, without any practice at home can you play as well as your teacher? The answer is YES! The person is known as Mozart, are you Mozart? Yet there are still non-Mozart in my class that think they can learn by just watching! I hope they learn their lesson, and understand why people said math is not a spectator sport.

Looking at them, I seriously think that they are going to get slaughter in their degree program. There are going to be a lot of troubles not just for students but also for the university itself. When they get stuck in their engineering program, will we fail them and ask them to leave or we pass them? Of course we fail them; I can imagine the administration will say that. But what if more than half of the class failed? BINGO! That is not a simple matter anymore, the first one who is going to be in trouble is the lecturer. The pressure (not pleasure) for the lecturer to pass student is already obvious, especially among the junior faculty member, well, how are you going to tell your dean that all your student fail the course? The fate of the university will be decided at that juncture. You want to be a quality institution or just a diploma factory? Hope UTAR has not come to this juncture yet, but looking at the quality of the students now, I think that day will not be far away.

I believe that this phenomenal is not something new and have been lurking around for sometime. University produce student with master degree in math that don’t know about the idea of limit, continuity and most of the first year calculus. I know this because I have personally encountered these people (more than once). They ask me to help them understand the material because they need to teach the subject next week. Some are my friends who are now teaching in some colleges, and some are in the epsilon neighborhood with me at its center. Of course not all graduate are like that, some are very good (restricting to the cases that I personally know). Ku Cheng Yeaw, who graduate from UM in 2001 and obtained his PhD form University of London in 2005 is now Harry Bateman Research Instructor in Mathematics in CALTECH. The best academic position that ISM graduates manage to obtain in 50 years. Not even our professor can match him (some admitted to me, but will they admit in public is another story). Another one that I must mention is Khang Tsung Fei, who got his degree in genetics and molecular biology in UM but decided to pursue his doctorial degree in mathematics and is now doing very well in NUS. They are still some good one but I can’t mention everyone here. For those who read this and know them from UM math dept, I think you will agree that these are the two exceptional cases.

Harvard University established in 1636 and it only achieved its world prominence hundred of years later. I really have high hopes for UTAR, but we are just in the beginning of the journey. Let us make the righteous step down the path toward greatness.

Nowadays, it is so hard to know someone in the teaching profession who care about their students and also their subject matter. Someone who can make a complex and intellectually daunting subject, accessible and enjoyable for students. Someone who has boundless enthusiasm and an unsurpassed knowledge of his/her field.

Under such circumstances, I would consider knowing Miss Kong as a low probabilistic event, and yet here she is, we work for a year and a half, and this finally has to come to an end. I have mixed feeling about her leaving UTAR. On one hand, I am glad that she is leaving UTAR, as this is really not a place for her. On the other hand, I know I will miss her a lot especially when I need to channel my frustration to somewhere. 

Congratulation to her as she is moving one step closer to academic firmament. Don’t look back on a set of measure zero. Remember, we do what is hard, and we achieved what is great, God bless us all, and we reach for the star!

I don’t know what to do with them that particular afternoon. Everyone just show me ‘the look’, while I was trying to explain the optimization problem in the notes. Well, everyone is pulling out their blank face, and stare at the white board as if I was in another dimension. You know me, I can’t lecture while the whole class is like that, in order to ‘wake up’ the class, I started to pretend that I was that idiot and change my voice one octave higher, and the class did woke up, not just woke up, they were even 3 students in the front row pulling up their hand phone and camera …, you can see the end ‘result’ in You-tube.

This is not the first time I been taped, the last incident is Jan 2007 with ‘Pita’, but we are all adults and I told them not to put it online, and I don’t really mind. Seem like the kind of mutual respect can’t be extended to the current students anymore. May be the Jan 2007 intake is small, total no more than 120 students, so I kind of like them and know them well, especially TE1, may be because of our ‘project’ together. Of course there are also some students who hate me, it’s perfectly normal; I always told myself that it is not my job to please everyone, especially students.

The kind of teaching style I have develop here in UTAR is quite unique and different from my last teaching job in Chong Hwa Ind KL and also my tutoring job in UM math dept. Well, different students, different age, different subject, of course the style will be different. The youngest students that I have taught is form 1, the oldest is final year in the degree program, and for the past 18 months, I was mostly surrounded by the 17 to 18 years old kids. I figure that I have to make the class interesting, and sometimes joke is required in the class. I have been 18 before, and when I was in school, I really hate the ‘old people’ type of teacher, God damn boring. We like teacher who is always in motion, speak with varying intonation, and possess a great wealth of knowledge. Well, I am not sure that is the criteria for every 18 years old kid, but that is my criteria. In terms of mathematical knowledge, I don’t think I have problem with that. So, I just need to work on the presentation of the knowledge, and my style kind of work well, at least to every group except TD13-16.

From the very beginning, I know I don’t really like my choice of style, but I figure, the end justify the means, what important is that I can get the mathematical idea across. For me it is OK to look stupid, idiot or look totally retarded during lecture, everyone get a few laugh and everyone is happy to listen to me. It works; I can see that from my ‘superb’ student’s evaluation. But now, I am not that sure anymore. Should I act like a clown, cracking joke and funny analogy to help students understand the material, (and in the mean time get video taped and upload in You-Tube) or I should act like my professor, who likes to say ‘you either swim or sink and I didn’t give a damn about it!’. Damn! He is so cool when he say that, may be that is why he is the professor of mathematics and the head of mathematical cryptography research group while I am just a lowly and not respected assistant lecturer. Kong is right on a lot of things, I should have listened to her.

I could have continued writing this stupid blog, kind of still a lot of things to say. But I figure, this is just a total waste of my time. Finally, I need to say this : For those morons who can’t understand my instruction about the video, Damn you all!

I actually have a lot of things to write, I used to write down my thought once a day when I was first year in UM, a very depressing year in the physics dept. I guess, when I am not happy, I write. I used to mail my thought to my sister in US, now, we have blog. Christopher, I don’t believe that I blog so much. You still sick in London?

I have a serious issue to write, but I think Morris Kline’s 1977 classics ‘Why the professor can’t teach : Mathematics and the dilemma of university education’ have best summaries my thought. I read that book more than 3 times, since NBY introduce the book to me when I was 3^rd year in UM. It is a fascinating book, and I think every math educator should read it thoroughly, but in reality how many math educator in Malaysia know about the book, or even heard of the name Morris Kline.

I dare not commit myself to write such a topic here, it is not because of the fear of punishment from the authority nor the conflict that will arise from my fellow lecturer; it is simply because if I write such a topic, it will be hundred pages long, it will become a book! For those who read my blog, you realize that I write long blog, for those who know that I wrote a memo on the course (FCCM1613, Mathematics II), it was 18 pages long, and for those who heard me ‘lecture’ on such topics, know that I can talk about it non-stop for hours. So, writing a topic like that is not a simple task and I would not attempt it here, not when I am ‘drug-ed’ with Panadol for flu. I am very sleepy, but I refused to sleep, so I blog.

I am disappointed with the math education in Malaysia, but I seek comfort in Kline’s book, I know that these issues are global, and I can’t do anything to change it, not even the famous Prof Kline can do that, who am I, to take any action that can have observable consequences. (Sound pessimistic? Anyway, the great mathematician died in 1992, at the age of 84.) So, what can I do beside blog, well, I think I can listen to Bach. A suggestion for those frustrated math educators out there, listen to Bach’s Chaconne from Partita No.2 in D minor, BWV 1004. It will relieve your pain. Hope it works for you because it works for me.

What if mathematics is a performing arts? I always ask myself this question. Then everyone can see how good ones really is. Andrew Wiles with his master piece ‘Fermat’s last theorem in D major’, Terrance Tao (the Mozart of math according to UCLA) with his ‘The primes contain arbitrarily long arithmetic progressions’, the mysterious Grigori Perelman with his proof of ‘Poincare Conjecture’ … These are the master of the subject, they are the Mozart, Beethoven … which everyone knew.  The interesting part is for the ‘master of the subject’ from the other end of the spectrum, those who can’t play in tune but still in orchestra/academia years after years. Their mistake will be obvious to everyone who can hear. But in reality, math is not a performing art and those who can or can’t play are all in the orchestra/academia, all participated in the grand silent symphony, no ones know you play the wrong note or not, or may be playing a totally different piece without even realizing it. Everyone will be safe and no one can find any mistake, because everyone are as deaf as a bat. Andrew Wiles spent 7 years in isolation without any significant publication, but the guy is onto Fermat’s last theorem which is an unsolved open question for more than 300 years, what are you doing now?

Everyone is asking, why I am not updating my blog. Well, my answer is simple, my hand pain is back. So, I have to minimize my typing, since I have to set for all kind of exam, so I reserve my hand for that purpose. Welcome to the world of new medicine, two orthopedic surgeons, thousand of Ringgit Malaysia spent, a MRI, and two different diagnoses, anyway, I don’t want to do the long physical therapy again, so I have no plan to go near Assunta Hospital.

I went to get my MPO ticket today, my first concert in this new season. Counting the ticket that I have collected, this is going to be my 45^th MPO concert since 2004. Multiply each concert ticket with RM 55, well, I have spent nearly RM2500 for it, well, it’s worth it. Last season, I was looking forward for their opening concert, I still remember it was 27^th August 2006, Alexander Toradze plays the magnificent Rachmaninov Piano Concerto No 3 in D minor, and in the second half of the program, MPO plays Dvorak’s Symphony No 9 in E minor. It was really an unforgettable concert experience. I also remember that on the 26^th August 2006, which was the day before the concert, I was terribly sick, food poisoning, diarrhea and vomiting, luckily I was better the next day, I took 2 Imodium before concert, just in case. This season, I am looking forward for MPO closing concert on 12^th July 2008, they are going to play Beethoven’s 9^th Symphony! I was in the hall when MPO plays their first Beethoven’s 9^th on Saturday 18^th of Jun 2005. Thanks to Prof Wong PC, I got a nice seat. I am not particular excited with the 07/08 season program expect for the Beethoven’s 9^th, well, may be I have attended too many concerts … , I don’t know … .

I was in KLCC purchasing my concert ticket, of course I drop by Kinokunia, ATM out RM 300, think of doing some crazy ‘shopping’ in Kinokunia, but I bought nothing, everything I want to read are already in my room, or already ‘ship’ back to Penang. What’s wrong with me nowadays? Every thing that I want, I sort of have it already. So should I be thankful or should I demand more? I think I am depressed, nothing really excites me lately, I was having my tutorial before I went to KLCC, what happen in the tutorial scare me. I seem to be able to predict the question that they are going to ask before they even open their mouth and can corrected their mistake even before they make it. Is this an ESP (Extra Sensory Perception)? Should I be happy? Well, this will make me a good and ‘understanding’ teacher, but on the other hand, it shows that my class is dull and not challenging. When will my student ask me something that I need to think hard, instead of giving me a question that I can solve using my spinal core. I told Kong about this, and she asks me to go Taylor, at least they pay more, well, what’s good friend for? Since the annoying lady was there (please believe me that annoying is an under under statement), so I didn’t stay long, if not Kong will print out the Taylor application form for me, ha, ha.

Thinking about moving lately, I don’t like to move, since I have too many things with me, mostly books. I ‘shipped’ back over 600 math books few months ago, my parents bought me a new and expensive book shelf, cause them RM1500, there are willing because they thought that their lovely son is coming home, shipping back the books seem to be the first move, ha, ha, they are wrong, the books was back, but the son is still not. It is very hard for me to send my book home, we kind of know each other for a long time, we understand each other, and when I was lonely, they are there for me, ha, ha. But I have no choice, since I was running out of space. I left few books that are essential for me here, but that alone are still a lot. Moving is like killing me, that’s why my friend move 10 times in 8 years, I only moved once. I stay in 17/12 for 4 years and now in this place for about 4 years. I never share a room, since I can’t stay with anyone, but now I don’t even want a housemate, I want the whole unit mine. Place my piano in the center of my 10^th floor apartment, surrounded with books, what a wonderful view, have a reserved car park, and I can ask my friends for a long night drink and get drunk in my nice and comfortable sofa.

My parents ask me to buy a house in KL, sort of making my dream come through, but I hesitate. I wanted my life to be as simple as possible, I don’t want credit card, I don’t have a car (the one I am driving belong to my mum), I don’t have girl friend, obviously trying to avoid complication, and buying a house seems like a commitment. May be I am lucky, I can have everything that I want without really committed to anyone or anything. But that can only bring me so far, should I be bold enough to change, move to someplace else, or go Singapore to join Chia or any place that pay me more and buy a house. Or should I keep conducting my tutorial and solving student’s problem before they even open their mouth?

I was happy, I am glad that I can contribute, I wrote my lecture note and tutorial from scratch, I felt a sense of accomplishment when it was done. Money is never my concern; I don’t fancy expensive dress or expensive cars or ‘expensive’ girls. I just buy books and CDs and sometimes attend concerts. NBY once told me that I am blessed, since I drive a Volvo and don’t even know how much it cost. (Thanks to him, now I know how much it cost.) I was such an idiot that I have no idea how much is 10K or 100K or the car I was driving is 300K, on hindsight, no wonder last time my high school friends all look at me ‘one kind’. I don’t have to pay any dept, and I don’t need to support my family. So, when UTAR offer me this job, I was so happy, I don’t care they pay me RM50 more than my Chong Hwa teacher salary, I am just happy that I can teach, one of my only passion. Now I am not happy, mainly because of ‘her’.

I am depress, and I cope with it by reading math, I study very hard, and my plan is to understand Galois theory this semester. I forgot most of my training in Group and Ring theory, so this is a huge undertaking. I am always a real analysis guy, I did my senior project in Measure theory, and I am definitely not an algebraic guy, I never understand the used of first isomorphism theorem or the Fundamental Homomorphism Theorem while in UM, and now, damn, I am still stuck there! No wisdom gained even after years of study and teaching. Sometimes I wonder, do I really like math or I just used math to preoccupy my mind so that I have no time to think about the bad and ugly thing in life.

Happy Birthday!

I am 28 years old la. 28, is a very nice number, it is what we called in number theory as perfect number, since 28 is the summation of its proper divisor. 28 is also special for a group of UM crazy math people who try to outlive two great mathematicians who die tragically young. During my second year in UM we celebrated our birthday in a big way since we outlive E. Galois (1811-1832 who die in a duel over a women at the age of 21) and now I celebrate my birthday in some crazy way again since I now outlive N. H. Abel (1802-1829 who live in poverty and died of consumption). Of course, I do not claim to be a man with such a high caliber; I am simply force to add a measure of flamboyancy and zest to the doldrums of my existence.

Depress is basically the basic emotion when I write my birthday statement every year. I am old and burn out. The teaching load in UTAR leaves me with no air to breath and no room for my personal and professional development. Yes, I have accomplished one of my dreams in life that is to teach mathematics, but other than that, everything else is in stasis mode. The recent frustration with the ‘new’ math lecturer really makes me thinking about leaving but to where? UM? MMU? I have annoy so many professor in UM, will they consider me if I want to go back? How am I going to face Dr Lim, Dr Ong and Dr Chooi? Yes, I have an ally there, Prof Wong who wanted me to join his cryptography group, but how long will he be there before his retirement extension terminated. I also know that research project won’t work for me, as I am neither strong nor interested in applied number theory. One way to solve all these is to take my GRE and apply for places like University of Wisconsin at Madison, University of Michigan at Ann Arbor, University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign …, may be that’s the place I should try. A daring move I would say.

Well, at the moment, I am actually sick, I am having my headache and sore throat. Actually my sore throats is much better yesterday morning, but after the 3 hour Karaoke session in the curve with the ‘UATR team building’ gang, my sore throat become worst and now still the same. Shouldn’t have sang so loud, but we are all too excited and try to release the stress we have after marking so many papers. Post Marking Syndrome (PMS), ha, is what the lecturer suffers at this time of year. Since I realize that most of my ‘friend’ in friendster is either my current or formal students, so I can’t get in the detail of the process, since it is highly confidential, but I think I can say that everything go well this round, and I am quite happy about that. 

Go pass the depression mode, let talk about my birthday present. I bought my self a new camera, Canon Digital IXUS 960 IS, which cause me RM1600. I have a tendency to spend a lot of money when I was sad. I seldom have serious depression problem, but during my last depression episode, I bought myself an electric piano, which cost around RM3000. Ha, it’s fun after buying new things. At least you will forget about the sad thing for a while, it works, believe me, ha, ha…

I went to the curve to get something for my lovely sister, since I will visit her next weekend then I spent my whole day in SS2 McDonald. Me and Liang manage to ask Dr NBY out and as usual we spent the whole day chatting. It’s like the good old time again, he told us story of his new MMU life and I told her my mathematical argument with her. Then we talk about mathematical pedagogy, some mathematical gossip, and also about Liang works. We didn’t tell him what I saw in ISM this morning, because if I do so, it will not just a gossip, can’t say will be a scandal, but definitely not something pleasant.

Christopher sent me his greeting from UK. I miss him a lot, he reminded me of the philosophical discussion we used to engage in, the musical ‘My Fair Lady’ that we went together, his silly handwriting, all those lame joke we made during his farewell party, and the way we used to ‘share’ Kong. It is so hard to find a lecturer who is knowledgeable and dedicated nowadays, he is one of the few who I held high respect, and regardless that he is much younger than me. It is a lost to UTAR when he left to pursue his dream in UK. I hope he enjoy his new life in UK now, and may be someday, I might go to find him there. I only been to London for two days, wonder, actually lost in Oxford Circle, and have to read the street map in book shop (don’t have enough money to buy) in order to get back to hotel, pretty adventurous I think. Man, he now can go to BBC Proms night, the legendary London Symphony Orchestra, the British Museum … so many places, that I can only wish for.

I don’t really like to travel, but I wish I can someday have a chance to stay in Boston for a while. I would like to walk along the Charles River, and visit MIT and Harvard by the river. My first stop will be the magnificent Widener Library, then I would stop by the Science Center with the hope of catching a glimpse of Eric Lander, Steven Pinker, Barry Mazur, Richard Taylor … There are so many great minds there. Then may be I will sit in one of the big lecture in Sanders Theater, and participate in the discussion of ethics. Of course I must visit the Maclaurin Buliding in front of the Killian Court … Not to be miss is the performance of Boston Philharmonic Orchestra, with soloist such as Yo Yo Ma, Hilary Hahn, Anne-Sophie Mutter, Emanuel Ax, Vadim Repin … I must be day dreaming now, well, I think ones is allow to day dream sometimes, especially when ones is celebrating his birthday.

Back to reality! I need to finish up the course material, so that I can personally pass the material to Miss Wong in Kampar next Tuesday. Yes, I will be visiting Kampar again, looking forward to see the beautiful campus again. I keep thinking, if last time I decided to go to Kampar, life must be good then, since I don’t have to deal with that woman. But sure I would miss out a lot of stuff too. Damn! I must have been curse, but what sin I have committed, that I received such a punishment. Hope that this time next year, I will be writing my birthday statement in a place far far away.

My neck pain is back! My left hand is weak again! This sometimes happen after marking exam papers. Damn! I am old!

Yesterday I went to Assunta Hospital for my follow up appointment. Not good news, my eye pressure is a litter bit high, side effect of the medication. High eye pressure will damage the optical nerves and can lead to permanent blindness, so on the save side, he make another appointment with me next week. Hope to cure this eye allergy problem before the start of semester. Hard to see the doctor if I have class on Thursday morning, as he is in Assunta only once a week, which is on Thursday morning.  

I have been in and out of hospital since my final year in UM. I have chronic diarrhea during my third year, and I ended up taking Imodium regularly. First, I seek help in Pantai Medical Center, doctors ordered upper-endoscopy and colonoscopy, I did all these test back home, in Penang Island Hospital. 4 months of choric diarrhea might be a sign of colon cancer, so the colonoscopy is necessary. It’s a very embarrassing procedure, as you can imagine. I have to go naked in front of so many people, man! The test show conclusively that I don’t have cancer, so doctors says it’s IBS, stress induced Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a price to pay for my all A ambition in UM. That whole episode cause thousand of RM. Luckily my dad is paying.

After my experience with gastroenterologist, come my neck pain problems. At the time I was just started my teaching in UTAR. After seeing the regular doctor, they recommend me to see an orthopedic surgeon, I end up in Assunta, did a MRI, (A very expensive procedure, because this time I pay myself.) and doctors say there are a minor compression of nerve in my neck. He says my violin playing is actually the cause. As usual went back to Penang, to see my mum’s orthopedic doctor, the second doctor say that playing violin can’t cause it but will worsen it, so that’s end of my violin playing. End up doing hours and hours of physical therapy in Assunta Hospital. End up spending a lot of money there too.

Now, is Ophthalmologist turn, specialist of the eye. Man!!! Before that I also see the ENT specialist. My life with all these doctors is not fun, and I will go broke very soon, if this trend keeps continuing.

Thinking about all the past yesterday, I think I should think about my future today. I have to make plan for this break. Well, it’s break for students, but not for lecturer. When students finish the exam, we have to mark, check, meeting and so on, and many things to be done. But it’s good to make some plan anyway. Yesterday read, Pooi Ting’s blog, knowing she is making all kind of plans for holiday, I also wanted to do that. My plan is quite opposite from her; I don’t want to meet any of my friends; I just want to stay at home and read. I want to read about differential manifold, Poincare Conjecture, Algebraic Topology, Combinatorial Topology and Group Theory. Many things to read up, will be busy then. I think I will stop my blog too.

Kah Yee did something crazy yesterday. She posted her (I believe) housemate sleeping photo in her Friendster. I wrote to her, saying that to be her housemate is a very dangerous thing to do. Ha, but to be my housemate is even worst. The story is like that, one of my very shy housemate like a girl, which I happen to know her. He wrote her love letters, I mean a lot of love letters (his love letter is good, very good, in fact Great!), but never dare to mail it. One day, I go to post office, buy 30 pieces of stamps and mail his entire love letters collection to her (I still remember he was sleeping like a pig when I stole his letters). Ha, worst thing is he didn’t realize his letter was missing, he just feels that the girl started to treat him differently, and he almost kill me when he found out that I have mailed all his love letters. But at least the ending is good; they become couple, and will married soon.

How come my love letters never have this effect? May be I didn’t sent it all together, in physics, this is called ‘haven’t reach the critical mass’. One of my friend commented that I write love letter like writing academic paper, fill with technical term and too formal, well, may be he is right. I once sent a girl a whole set of Maxwell’s equations, implying the ‘field’ (physics term) she has created around me. Well, too bad, her math is not good, she didn’t know the significant of the great Maxwell’s equations and my massage is lost in empty space …

Poor guy …

It has been a long time since I have such a ‘heated’ discussion with anyone. After 2 hours of shouting, I actually get stomachache when I got home. It was a crash between two philosophies of mathematics education. I was sad and depress, and I was driving round and round, passing SS2, section 17, SS23, Taman Mayang, SS2, UM, … late at night while listing to Beethoven’s Appassionata sonata. I think that’s my way to handle stress. Manage to ask Liang out and we talk in SS2 McDonald about the incident.

I really miss those days in UM where that’s just math problems to solve, and our world is so simple, so free of distraction. We live our life like we are destined for great things. Looking back, we are so naïve. I really miss my conversation with Dr. NBY, we used to talk for hours, sometimes for 6 to 8 hours. Remember Liang and me, sitting in SS2 Burger King, and we talk and talk, refill after refill until the shop closed at 11pm. (Sadly Burger King is no longer there.) We also hang out in SS2 mamak store and we talk until 3 in the morning. I still remember It was study week in UTAR, so I wake up at 11am and went to school after that, poor Liang have to go to work at 9am. But we enjoy the conversation greatly, and we benefit from it so much, so much …

I really wanted to call him up and ask him out, Liang actually pull out his hand phone and call, at the end we decided not to, because it was already 11pm, not nice to wake him up so late, thinking about may be he has an early class in MMU the next day. The PA library is so quite, Ken Yang just left, it’s 7.30pm and he has to take a bus back to Bukit Jalil, he was the last student here, now only me and the librarian were in the library. It is so different from UM library where it will be pack with people during exam period. I think I am still sad, even though the incident has already resolved. At this quite moment, I can’t help my self thinking about the past … I am thinking about a great teacher and a mathematician that I know.

My first year in UM, he was having his sabbatical leave; he was not in the Institute for one year. I already took my Calculus I under Dr. Thomas Bier and Dr. Chin, my Calculus II was basically a waste of time, taught by … better don’t mention her name. When Liang joins UM the next year we register for the course called ‘Theory of differential equations’ taught by Dr. NBY and we also sit in his Calculus II, even though I already took the course. I was so attracted to his teaching that I end up sitting in his Calculus II every lecture. It was a late evening class, during the lecture we have blackout, students waited for a while and he cancel the class and everyone left, except us (since it’s still early, may be 6.30pm), we approach him and I ask, (I still remember what I ask), “Why, 1 is not consider as a prime number?” (Totally nothing to do with Calculus II), he said: “two words, existence, uniqueness.” I was deeply impressed. We keep asking question, like what’s the use of eigenvectors, and he mention about other choices of basis in Euclidian space, and so on … and we talk until almost 9pm, actually until his wife called, and that’s how we started this wonderful relationship.

Every piece of my thinking can be trace back to his influence, and without him, I don’t know whether or not I will be as lousy as them. May be It’s really time for me to think about my previous dream. I am already old and useless … Sir! I miss you so much …